Talking about Civil Marriage Equality

This guide is for anyone who wants to learn how to talk effectively about civil marriage equality for gay, lesbian, bisexual, and transgender people. Whether you are a GLBT person yourself, or a parent, sibling, relative, friend, or someone who just plain cares about the issue of equal civil marriage rights for same-sex couples, we hope you find this guide helpful.

We have tried to include questions that you might commonly hear when you are talking about civil marriage equality. If you have or hear a question that is not covered here, please e-mail us at field@hrc.org with your question and we will try to include it.

Hearts and minds are changed not by acts of Congress or by media talk shows, but when people talk to each other. When a mother stands up for her lesbian daughter by challenging bigoted comments, when a friend talks to her family about the gay parents she knows, then friends and family listen. Our opinions are shaped by our families and friends much more so than by any other influence.  It is critical that we all engage our family and social circles in these dialogues as soon as possible!

Table of Contents

1. I believe in civil marriage equality for same-sex couples. Should I talk about it?
2. Why do people need to talk about civil marriage equality?
3. Why is civil marriage important?
4. Why do gay, lesbian, bisexual, and transgender people want to get married?
5. Why does this guide refer to "civil marriage?"
6. Don't Hawaii and Vermont already allow same-sex couples to get married?
7. Aren't civil unions the same thing?
8. If same-sex couples are allowed to get married, wouldn't that harm the institution of marriage?
9. Isn't marriage a religious institution?
10. Why are some Members of Congress trying to amend the Constitution?
11. What states currently have civil marriage lawsuits pending?
12. Can U.S. same-sex couples marry in Canada?
13. How do I talk to my Representative and Senators about the constitutional amendment?
14. I want to write a letter to the editor of my newspaper about civil marriage equality.
15. I want to get more involved in the fight for civil marriage equality. What else can I do?

1. I believe in civil marriage equality for same-sex couples. Should I talk about it?

Yes! Talk to your family, your friends, your co-workers, people in your community, and your elected officials. Let them you that you support civil marriage equality for same-sex couples.

If you have a same-sex partner, then be open and honest about your relationship. When you are having lunch with co-workers, talk about how you and your partner went to the movies over the weekend, or went grocery shopping. Let people know that the day-to-day activities of a same-sex couple are the same as an opposite-sex couple. (If your employer doesn't have a sexual orientation non-discrimination policy, or your state or city do not have an employment non-discrimination law, do take that into account so as to not jeopardize your job. Click here to see if your state or city has such a law, or click here to see if your employer has a non-discrimination policy.)

If you have a child, parent, friend, or family member who is gay, lesbian, bisexual, or transgender, be open with people about it. When discussions occur about marriage, you can highlight how your relative or friend is unable to get married, and how the law leaves them behind, and their children unprotected. See the questions below.

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2. Why do people need to talk about civil marriage equality?

The country is grappling with this issue. We must educate people on the rights that come with civil marriage, and the difference between civil and religious marriage, and we must ensure that fairness is always a part of the discussion.

Majority support does not make something right or wrong. In 1983, 16 years after the Supreme Court struck down anti-interracial marriage laws in Loving v. Virginia, only 43 percent of Americans approved of interracial marriage.

In 1948, 19 years before the Supreme Court's ruling in Loving v. Virginia, the California Supreme Court ruled on an interracial case, Perez v. Lippold, with a four justice majority affirming the right of interracial marriages. The majority opinion said that each person seeking a license to marry the "wrong" kind of person, "finds himself barred by law from marrying the person of his choice and that person to him may be irreplaceable. Human beings are bereft of worth and dignity by a doctrine that would make them as interchangeable as trains."

The decision in Perez marked the beginning of the end of race discrimination in marriage -- before legislators in most states were willing to stand against discrimination, and before the polls showed the public's acceptance of equality in marriage or other civil rights. Some state had to show leadership, and the court was properly asked to provide it through a direct and timely challenge to existing discrimination. History has upheld that decision, and we now view those judges as civil rights heroes.

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3. Why is civil marriage important?

Through civil marriage, couples are granted more than 1,000 federal rights, benefits and responsibilities under law - along with hundreds of state level rights and protections. The government uses the legal recognition of civil marriage to grant these rights, which include Social Security survivor benefits, hospital visitation rights and the ability to inherit a spouse's property without being taxed.

Many of the rights and benefits that accompany civil marriage are recently established rights, not age-old traditions. For example, Social Security was created in 1935. Survivor's insurance was added in 1939. Family and medical leave didn't come into existence until the '90s.

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4. Why do gay, lesbian, bisexual, and transgender people want to get married?

Growing up, each of us is taught that one day finding a soulmate and building a life together is an integral part of the American dream, and GLBT people share in that dream. Gay and lesbian couples share their lives, their loves, and their hearts just like any other couple does.

Gay, lesbian, bisexual and transgender couples are patriotic, hard-working citizens who pay their taxes and support their country the same as any other American. GLBT couples love each other just as deeply and their commitment to one another is just as resolute as it is for heterosexual couples.

The 2000 Census showed that same-sex couples are living in nearly every county in this country. Estimates from the Census and other studies show that there are at least 1 million children in America being raised by GLBT parents. All children deserve the stability and protections that come from having two parents who are legally bonded by marriage. Discriminating against children is wrong.

Marriage is a major building block for strong families and communities. Denying marriage to GLBT couples weakens GLBT couples and families.

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5.  Why does this guide refer to "civil marriage?"

In this guide, we refer to the institution as "civil marriage" because we are talking about responsibilities, benefits, and rights of marriage (like hospital visitation, inheritance, and parenting rights) that are all granted by local, state, and the federal government when a couple obtains a marriage license from the state. Religious marriage is a different institution. Religions are free to bless or not bless same-sex unions - many do, and many do not. Many religions are grappling with this issue just like the rest of the country is.

In summary, "civil marriage" is a descriptive term that helps to illustrate that equal civil rights is the agenda - not changing religious beliefs.

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6. Don't Hawaii and Vermont already allow same-sex couples to get married?

No. No state in the USA allows same-sex couples to get married. Vermont allows same-sex couples to enter into "civil unions," which grant the state benefits and responsibilities of marriage, but do not confer the federal benefits and responsibilities. In addition, no other state recognizes civil unions that have been performed in Vermont.

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7. Aren't civil unions the same thing?

Civil unions and domestic partnership are important steps to full marriage equality for GLBT couples - but they ultimately support the notion that GLBT couples are separate and unequal from other Americans, which is wrong.  Separate is not equal.  Furthermore, civil unions are not recognized by the federal government and do not confer the more than 1,000 rights and benefits that the federal government grants to married couples.

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8. If same-sex couples are allowed to get married, wouldn't that harm the institution of marriage?

Recognizing that GLBT couples require the same tools to care for and protect each other and their families does not undermine or harm marriage rights of heterosexual couples. How can GLBT couples and families receiving the rights and responsibilities of marriage harm heterosexual marriage?

Shouldn't groups that support family values, value all families? Americans who support family values should support strengthening all American families.

When the U.S. Supreme Court struck down anti-interracial marriage laws in the 1967 Loving v. Virginia case, many of the arguments against the decision - that it would lead to widespread polygamy, bigamy, and a moral breakdown of the country - are the same arguments we hear today against legalizing civil marriage for same-sex couples.

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9. Isn't marriage a religious institution?

Civil marriage and religious marriage are two separate things. Religious institutions will never be forced to bless relationships with which they disagree, just as today religious institutions can refuse to marry couples of different faiths or individuals who have been divorced.

Many religions and faith-based traditions recognize and welcome same-sex couples and gay, lesbian, bisexual, and transgender people into their congregations - others do not. Religious institutions will always be able to define marriage as they see fit, however the state should treat all people and all families equally under the law.

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10. Why are some Members of Congress trying to amend the Constitution?

Opponents of civil marriage equality are pushing a deeply discriminatory amendment, House Joint Resolution 56, to the U.S. Constitution that would forever ban legal recognition of GLBT families. If that effort succeeds, millions of Americans and their children will be put at risk and their lives made less secure. In addition, state legislatures and courts would be prevented from interpreting state constitutions as extending equal rights to same-sex couples, effectively writing discrimination into the foundation law of the United States.

Throughout American history, the Constitution has been amended to protect the rights and liberties of the American people. It has been amended to abolish slavery, keep the government out of people's lives, give women and young people the right to vote -- it should not be used to single out some Americans for discrimination.

This proposed amendment is an abuse of the Constitution for political purposes.

If you would like to conduct a personal visit with your Member of Congress to tell him/her that you oppose H.J.R. 56, click here for HRC's step-by-step guide to how to schedule and execute a persuasive lobby visit.

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11. What states currently have civil marriage lawsuits pending?

Massachusetts, New Jersey, Arizona, and Indiana currently have civil marriage lawsuits pending. The Massachusetts case, Goodridge et al. vs. Department of Public Health, has had oral arguments before the Supreme Judicial Court of Massachusetts, and is currently awaiting a decision, which could come at any day. Each morning Mon.-Fri. at 8:15 a.m., you can see if the decision will be announced by logging onto Million for Civil Marriage -- http://www.millionformarriage.org, a project of the Human Rights Campaign to organize a million supporters for civil marriage equality.

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12. Can U.S. same-sex couples marry in Canada?

Same-sex couples from the United States can legally marry in Ontario and British Columbia, and many have. However, it is unclear whether their relationships will be recognized here in the U.S., and couples could face discrimination and legal uncertainty.

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